Honestly
by BlindBeliever
Summary: Lily didn't trust anyone. James was barely holding himself together. Brought together by similar tragedies, they connected over a silly Muggle game called Twenty Questions. Despite being some silly game, the relationship they forged created an unbreakable bond.
1. Prologue

She didn't wait.

The moment Remus told her where he was, she ran. She didn't ask permission - she didn't have time. It didn't matter that she had a pile of homework, essays, and tests due that week. She just went.

Only when she reached St. Mungo's did everything actually set in. First, she had no clue where to find James. Then, when she finally found the room, she didn't have the guts to go in. As a result, she stood and waited outside the door. After a while, Sirius joined her in the hall. Sirius' eyes, usually so relaxed and youthful, were hardened and lost. He immediately hugged her.

"It's going to mean a lot to him that you're here," Sirius swallowed, and his voice cracked.

"Is she?"

"Not yet," Sirius shook his head. "It should just be the two of them in the room," he explained sullenly, referencing James and his father.

"Do you need anything?" Lily asked quietly.

"Just be there for James. He's going to need you." Sirius hugged her one last time and left. It was obviously that he was fighting the urge to cry and didn't want to break down in front of her.

Three hours later, James finally emerged from the room. When his hazel eyes set on Lily Evans, he looked relieved.

"Is she?" Lily bit her lip, nervously playing with her fingers.

James sighed and nodded. He looked so worn out - deep bags lined his pale face and while his eyes were dry, they were red from crying.

Lily didn't hesitate. She instinctively reached her arms around his and wrapped him in a hug. Her eyes filled with tears, and she was glad to have her face hidden in his sweater. She felt him shake some and knew from experience that his emotional intakes of air were painful. They broke apart only when an exact replica of James sixty years older patted him on the back.

When James let her go, she couldn't stand not being close to him, and she instantly reached for his hand. She wouldn't let it go until seven the following morning, when they finally fell asleep.


	2. Chapter One: On Hopelessness

**Honestly**

**Chapter One : On Hospital Stays, Hopelessness, & Hogwarts  
**

It didn't take much to wake James Potter from his uneasy sleep. Just as a familiarly calm voice whispered his name, he felt a warm hand clasp his shoulder, and while James sluggishly awoke, Albus Dumbledore seated himself on the lumpy hospital chair opposite from him.

James blinked as he began to focus his eyes, realizing that he must have fallen asleep with his glasses on. First, he noticed was the blinding sunlight streaming in from the expansive west window, which highlighted the stale blue color of the hospital room. A few seconds later, when James felt slightly awake, he looked with concern to the woman lying on the bed. Fortunately, she was fast asleep. He didn't have to look to see the person on his right; the snoring, hairy mass on the faded armchair next to his was Sirius Black. The last person James observed was his esteemed headmaster leaning toward him from the final hospital chair.

"You'll have to forgive me for waking you. Unfortunately, I'm due at the Ministry this afternoon, so this will be a short visit. Is she doing any better?" Albus Dumbledore asked politely, his blue eyes glittering with concern as he watched the woman on the bed.

James sighed, anxiously running a hand through his hair. He didn't speak for several moments, and instead of looking his professor directly in the eyes or staring at the woman on the bed, he focused his gaze downward, keeping his attention on his feet. "It hasn't been," his voice cracked and he had to wait several moments before starting up again. "Last night wasn't so good. We brought her in sometime after midnight Nothing seems to be working, and she's just in so much pain," James faint voice cracked for a second time and broke off.

The headmaster nodded sympathetically and added, "I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. I remember your mother, back when she was so passionately involved with the ministry. Scarlett was so vibrant and so full of life. Then she married your father and along came you, and she was even more passionate about being a mother. I'm certain that your, ahem, '_creativity'_comes from her," Dumbledore chuckled to himself, his eyes distant.

"The healer's tell me that she is getting stronger and that things are looking better, but I'm just worried about what happens when I go back to school," James whispered, finally able to look up to see his once tenacious mother, now frail and fragile, lie weakly upon the bed. Dumbledore saw the vulnerability in James' confused eyes, and the seventeen-year-old obviously was fighting the urge to break down. "This is just tearing Dad apart, and I – I just don't know."

"It is an incomprehensible thing to lose one's parents. To have to do it at such a young age requires so much of a person," Dumbledore folded his hands together and looked away.

The two sat in silence for several long moments, several long moments in which Dumbledore became seemingly transfixed on a ladybug sitting on the window sill, and James privately wiped at his eyes. Every so often, the quiet was interrupted by raucous snores - snores that were perfectly welcome, as they kept the lack of conversation from becoming awkward.

Dumbledore was the first one to speak, and after many minutes passed he pulled an envelope from his pocket and handed it to James. "I stopped by to deliver some good news on a day that I thought you needed it most."

James reached for the letter suspiciously, leery of the fact that the envelope looked exactly like one of Hogwart's yearly booklists - booklists that had never contained cheerful news. In his hand, it felt usually thick and slightly heavier than normal. Nevertheless, James ripped the envelope open. His jaw dropped as he watched a large set of letters and a gleaming gold badge fall onto his lap. "Professor, this must be a mistake," James' shocked hazel eyes met Dumbledore's amused blue set. James lifted the badge, noticing the impressive "Head Boy" printed on it. "You don't mean…"

"But I do, very much so," Dumbledore smiled and rose from his seat. "I have every ounce of faith that you will perform excellently. In fact, did you know that your mother was Head Girl her last year at Hogwarts?"

"Yeah, I knew," James recollected, his voice laced with confusion. He opened his mouth, his brows furrowed, as if he'd wanted to argue, but then he closed his them, a resigned calm replacing his puzzled features. "Thank you," he gulped, again looking away.

Dumbledore nodded and then added quietly, "She's very, very proud of you.." He then paused, looking back at the chair he had just lifted himself from and grimaced. "I always forget how hard these hospital chairs are. In any case, before I forget," he reached into his pocket again and pulled out another envelope. This one he placed on the table next to the snoring Sirius Black.

"Thank you for stopping by, Professor," James stood up, reaching for Dumbledore's hand.

"I am very sorry that this visit was such a short one. Please keep me updated on how your mother is doing," Dumbledore shook James' outstretched hand, clapping it softly with his other free hand.

Dumbledore exited quietly, leaving James to resume his nap. Try as he might, though, his brain couldn't seem to settle down. James' thoughts were chaotic and muddled; he kept wondering aloud if his headmaster was off his rocker for making him Head Boy. After several more failed attempts at returning to sleep, James set out to get himself a cup of coffee from the cafeteria. The healers had given his mother a sleeping draught, so she would probably sleep through the remainder of the afternoon.

It would be hours before James' father would return, as William Potter had wearied himself out by staying overnight at St. Mungo's with Sirius and James. Days spent at the hospital had become so common that William had finally allowed himself to return home and get some sleep, rather than exhaust himself by staying at his wife's bedside. James returned from the cafeteria, bearing a cup of coffee for Sirius and lunch for the two of them. James looked upon his snoring best friend with envy, remembering that he'd barely been asleep for an hour before Professor Dumbledore had visited.

He sipped his coffee slowly, forcing the caffeine down his throat despite his abhor for the beverage's taste. His mother breathed heavily, but the relaxed look on her face implied that she was at peace. This was the only time that she looked comfortable – when she was awake, she was never as content. From the raging headaches to the random purple boils appearing on her arms, Scarlett Potter's symptoms had ranged from manageable to completely sporadic, and as a result, the healers had been unable to diagnose her illness as of yet.

At the moment, her peaceful composure made the fit she'd been in at midnight seem like a dream. Scarlett hated hospital stays and threw a huge fit when James wanted to bring her in. Despite the fever-breaking potion the healers had prescribed her, when one had a temperature of 106 degrees for five days in a row, something was very wrong. It didn't help that she wouldn't remove her three sweaters, four pairs of socks, and two sets of robes, either. When her hands began to swell twice their normal size, James knew it was time to return to St. Mungos

Fortunately for James, his best friend loved Scarlett Potter equally as much. Though Sirius Black _technically_had his own flat, he had spent so many nights at St. Mungos, the healers had originally thought he was Scarlett's other son. Despite his last name, both Scarlett and William recognized Sirius as their son and never quiet corrected the hospital staff. Sirius, whose only summer plans had been to sleep until 2 pm every day, thus vowed to spend almost every moment at St. Mungo's with James.

After James finished the two cups of coffee, along with both of their lunches, Sirius himself began to stir. He blinked wildly, revealing a set of tired grey eyes.

"Is she doing any better?" Sirius murmured, his voice low and gravelly.

"She's been asleep all the while I've been awake."

"Did you drink my?" Sirius frowned, noticing the two empty coffee cups on the table. However, James didn't have time to sheepishly respond, because just as Sirius noticed the empty coffee cups, he also observed the envelope with his name on it. "Is it my booklist?"

James nodded, "Dumbledore delivered them himself."

"Did he come to see your mum?" Sirius yawned, pulling the parchment from the envelope. Unlike James's, Sirius's envelope only contained two letters – no congratulatory message and no Head Boy badge.

"Yeah, he asked how my mum was doing."

Sirius snickered, reading the first few lines of the welcome address from Minerva McGonagall and commented, "You'd think she would be more miserable, considering this is the last year she gets to spend with us."

James responded a moment too late, whispering a quick, "Oh." Sirius looked up to him quizzically, raising a brow. "I haven't actually read it yet," James grinned unapologetically, "I was a little distracted."

He gestured to his stack of letters, with the gleaming badge set on top of them. "Oy," Sirus's jaw dropped, as he grabbed the badge himself. "Dumbledore came to give you this himself? Are you sure you didn't steal it from Remus or something?"

"No, it's mine, Padfoot," James replied, his voice still laced with shock.

"Was he intoxicated? Did he smell like smoke? Had he been working on a potion that backfired and took of all of his hair?" Sirius sniggered in disbelief, though he did manage to keep his voice down so that he didn't wake Scarlett.

"No, he said that I deserved it. He told me that my mum was Head Girl."

Sirius nodded, as he had also known this piece of information. "She'll be proud," he acknowledged. But then, several seconds later, he moaned, "Oh no!"

"What?" James raised his voice in alarm.

"Being Head Boy means that you're going to have to follow the rules."  
"Head Boy means I'm going to have to enforce the rules."

The boys stared at each other in horror and for the first time in weeks, broke out in a mad fit of laughter, each thinking that James would probably do a miserable job at both. Quite probably because the two friends had dealt with so much stress in the last few weeks, they laughed for several minutes, with Sirius ending up on the floor and James clutching his stomach in pain.

When they finally recovered, James was the first to speak. "Who do you think's Head Girl?" he wondered aloud, remembering for the first time that he had a partner.

Sirius rolled his eyes, "Moaning Myrtle."

"Evans' is going to kill someone when she finds out," James smirked, acknowledging that both Sirius and he assumed Lily Evans was to be the new Head Girl.

"Evans is going to kill _you _when she finds out. You should tell her that Moony didn't really want the badge, so he gave it to you."

"I wouldn't do that to Moony," James shook his head. "She'd go after him next."

"Are you worried what Moony will be upset that you got it over him?"

James didn't answer, his silence admitting that yes, he was rather worried that Remus had wanted the position he now held. Fortunately for James, he needn't have worried. Knowing the anxious state that his best friend was in, Remus Lupin also made several visits to St. Mungos, more so to support his friend than to see Mrs. Potter. A week or so later, he stopped by the hospital to check on James.

"Congrats mate," Remus had smiled sincerely when James had guiltily admitted Dumbledore had bestowed him the honor. "You deserve it."

"You're not disappointed?"

"I'm rather relieved, actually. You know what happens when I'm, well, you know," Remus trailed off, self-consciously looking back to make sure no one in the hall was listening. "I would be too ill far too often to do a decent job at it. But anyway, Sirius owled me. He said that your mum isn't having a good day," and by distracting James, Remus succinctly ended all conversation on the topic.

Sirius was right; it was not a good day for Mrs. Potter. Once again, she was broken out in hives and had been dealing with a blackout migraine that had lasted for days. Despite what the healers had told James, his mother didn't show any signs of getting any better. Fortunately though, her condition hadn't grown any worse, either.

After James updated his friend on his mother's condition, Remus chuckled quietly and suggested, "Why don't we make a coffee run and disappear for a few moments?"

James quickly agreed, welcoming the distraction. "It's been a tough day, but it makes me glad that she still has a fight in her."

"James, you sound like you're forty years old," Remus observed carefully, not intending it to be a compliment.

He sighed, though his voice remained steady, "I'm not an idiot, Moony. I know that she's dying. No one's saying it, but I know that this is my last summer with her." The two friends rounded the hallway, stepping out of the way as a distraught wizard covered in a prickly blue slime turned the corner.

Remus gulped, not sure how to respond to his friend's misery. He comfortingly patted James shoulder as the two took the stairs down to the kitchens. "Does Sirius live at the hospital with you and your dad?"

James chuckled humorlessly, the smile not quite reaching his eyes. "I told him to quit paying for his flat, considering that he barely lives there. He was here with me every day at the beginning of the summer, but I don't think he can handle the fact that she's getting worse. He hasn't been coming as round as much lately, and I can understand why."

"Well, I have a story that will distract you. So yesterday Peter owls me, saying that it was an emergency. Usually when someone says emergency it means something terrible has happened, so of course I instantly apparated to his place. Apparently, Peter's mum had told him to degnome the garden hours before, and he couldn't figure out how to do it, so he was freaking out. He wanted me to show him how to degnome the garden before she returned from work and was angry with him," Remus shook his head, laughing at the absurdity of Peter's situation.

"Oh, Wormtail," James grinned, rolling his eyes. As the two neared the cafeteria they passed a restroom, and James decided that, "Moony, I'll meet you back by the coffee. I need to stop at the loo first."

Remus nodded, continuing onto the cafeteria himself. He filled two cups and waited, knowing that James usually filled his cup with a precise concoction of sugar and milk. When James returned, Remus handed the cup over, chuckling as he watched his friend pour half of the sugar dish into his small coffee.

"Have you been to Diagon Alley to pick up your books yet?" Remus wondered kindly, stirring his coffee.

"Not yet. Sirius spoke about needing to pick up some fireworks, though. Would you want to go tomorrow?" The two returned to his mother's room, their trip to Diagon Alley planned.

While James and his friends waited until one of the very last days to pick up their supplies, many of their classmates were timelier about their return to school. Lily Evans visited Flourish and Blotts the day she received her book lists in the mail and stayed in the shop until it closed, reading as much as she could about successful Head Girls. As such, when Monday, September the 1st, dawned upon her, it was no understatement that Lily Evans was overly prepared.

She nervously ran the iron across her black robes, probably for the fifth time. Despite the fact that she was now seventeen and allowed to do magic, the back and forth motion of the iron calmed her more than a quick spell would have. If she had overslept or forgotten to straighten her robes, she might have used magic. But Lily Evans was not that type of person, and the chances of her oversleeping or forgetting to iron her robes were near zero. It was Monday September the first. It was her last first-day of school. It was her first time she would be arriving at the King's Cross Station without either of her parents. Most importantly, though, it was the first day of her role as Head Girl.

The more Lily had thought about it, the more aware she was of the butterflies floating about in her stomach. She'd awoken precisely at five o'clock – though awoken wouldn't accurately describe it, as she'd barely slept the night before anyway. That morning she checked and recehcked that everything was ready for her to go.. She curled her auburn hair, though she cheated and used magic to set it. Her straight hair nearly reached her elbows, and Lily didn't have the patience to fix her hair the Muggle way. She even applied a light layer of makeup, a task she usually would have skipped, but feeling that today was awfully important, she ran a quick layer of eyeliner and foundation across her face. Lily's textbooks were stored at the top of the trunk, as she'd spent the remainder of the morning skimming through her notes, just so that she would be extra prepared. Being Head Girl was going to be an amazing experience, but Lily also knew that it was going to be extremely time consuming, and she refused to let her school work drop as a result.

After she had fanned out her robes and decided that they looked decent, she then shrugged them across her shoulder and peered at herself in the bathroom mirror. At barely 5'3, Lily Evans was by no means tall, though it could have been argued that her long hair gave her some length. The face that stared back at her appeared shy and nervous – the girl's face seemed much too pale and her eyes green eyes glowed far too brightly. Lily played with her hair and straightened her robes, trying to get everything to lay perfectly. It didn't work and Lily turned away from the mirror, too stressed about everything else to worry about her appearance.

She looked up to the clock, which flashed that it was just about time for her to depart for the Hogwarts Express. When Lily arrived at the station, she was by far the oldest student there. Nervous first-year and more anxious parents littered the platform, wiping tears from their eyes and snot from their noses. As she walked to load her trunk, Lily waved at a few Gryffindor fourth years who seemed to be giggling over a piece of parchment.

While Lily managed to stay organized and punctual, many of her classmates had not. Nearly all of the seventh years, who like Lily could now apparate to the station themselves, gave themselves a ten minute window to get loaded onto the train. James, who was dealing with a lot, stumbled onto the platform with significantly less time to catch the train. Despite the fact that he also awoke at an unreasonable hour of the morning, six o'clock, his goodbyes took far longer than Lily's.

Still unsure of Scarlett's illness, the healers finally discharged her, unconfident that they would ever be able to diagnose her. This frustrated James, who felt safer knowing she was being cared for by healers, rather than assisted by his elderly father. Not knowing when or if he would ever see his mother again, James' farewells had reasonably gone over time. He rushed, packing his bags and gathering his trunk, and left in a storm. A week later, his father would send James' spare robes, Potions textbook, and extra socks. When James reached the station, Remus and Sirius remained at the platform, each checking their pocket watches anxiously.

"Have everything?" Remus asked, knowing that his friends' tardiness was due to a sensitive matter.

"Probably not," he answered breathlessly and avoided the issue. Sirius jumped onto the train first, and James handed him the trunk.

"Peter's keeping us a compartment," Sirius explained.

"He'll have to keep it for us a bit longer. Can you take James' trunk? We've got a meeting, and if I correctly assume Lily Evans is the new Head Girl, we're already late," Remus easily climbed up to the train.

"What meeting?" James eyebrows rose in surprise as joined his two friends on the train.

"The meeting the new Head Boy and Girl hold every year for the Prefects," Remus explained quickly. "I take it your robes aren't handy, are they?" he assessed James basic shirt and jeans. James shook his head, so Remus continued, "Nevermind, then." The two promised to meet Sirius as quickly as they could and sprinted to the front of the train, dodging first years, rampant pets, and excited hugs. Barely a minute later the whistle blew and the train lurched forward. It was at this point that James realized how close he had been to missing the Hogwarts Express. When the two friends finally neared their destination, they could see Lily Evans and her bright red hair standing in the hall, tapping her foot impatiently.

"Remus, you're nearly late," she chided pleasantly as they approached her. "Potter, what are you doing here? You're not a Prefect," she frowned, regarding his disheveled appearance carefully.

"No, but I am the new Head Boy," he beamed, his smile wide and slightly lop-sided.

Lily blinked, James catching her off guard, but then she retorted confidently, "I doubt that. You were never a Prefect, and you don't have the badge."

"Lily, I promise you, he is very much the new Head Boy," Remus agreed. He reached for her elbow, trying to spin and lead her into the compartment, hoping to defuse Lily's temper.

"You two are playing a joke on me," she shrugged out of his grasp and crossed her arms. "Potter, what did you prepare for our meeting? Have you read up on how round schedules work?"

"Evans, I've kind of been dealing with a lot. I know how round schedules work. Can't we just introduce ourselves and pick a time for a future meeting?" He suggested coolly.

"No, we absolutely will not. We have to show that we're organized and motivated from the first meeting. This sets up our leadership for the entire year," she fumed, pulling at her hair in frustration. "Fine, this is how this meeting is going to go. You're going to introduce yourself. Since you know all about round schedules, you're going to explain those to the fifth years. Then I'll talk about everything I've prepared," she announced and spun on her heels, leaving him no option but to follow.

"She's just nervous," Remus defended, though he too felt Lily had overreacted some.

Despite James' being unprepared, the meeting went off with no problems. James attire wasn't out of place, as the majority of the fifth years remained in their Muggle clothes, unaware that the meeting was important enough to dress up. Nor did he act out of place, as his explanation of rounds and round schedules was spot on. In fact, the few who seemed unhappy about James being in the position were Lily and the three seventh years who had been passed over for the Head Boy position. In fact, in the weeks that would come, Lily would soon be the only one frustrated by James performance.


	3. Chapter Two: On Forgiveness

**Honestly  
**

**Chapter Two: On Forgiveness **

To say that Lily Evans was frustrated with James Potter was to say the weather was drizzly. Considering that their first few weeks at Hogwarts included torrential downpours and slight flooding, frustrated was obviously an understatement. While the two had never been on friendly terms, she had never disliked him more until the start of their seventh year. Being unprepared to meet with the Prefects on the train was only the first straw. Later that week, James agreed to hold Prefect meetings on Tuesday nights. The first Tuesday meeting of the year, he arrived fifteen minutes late. Despite the fact that he was soaking wet, covered in mud, and very obviously out of breath, Lily was boiling mad. She bit her tongue, counted "strike number two" under her breath and only glared him down slightly when he scrambled into the room. In fact, she decided that she had let him off easy.

Of course, dealing with her frustration might have been easier if she didn't have to spend every single day with him. Besides working together as Head Boy and Girl, the pair took nearly the same NEWT classes, resulting in them having almost identical schedules. During their first Transfiguration lecture, Professor McGonagall had the class doing review work so that she could make sure they remembered everything from the previous year before moving on to new material. Even Lily would guiltily admit that James was the best in their year at Transfiguration. While most of the class exasperatingly attempted to turn their pillow boxes into pixies, James accomplished the conversion in minutes and spent the rest of the class distracting Sirius by turning his nose into various animal snouts when McGonagall wasn't looking. Needless to say, his immaturity was both infuriating and disruptive.

By Saturday afternoon, Lily was more than annoyed with James. At lunch, when she asked for the following week's round schedule, he admitted with a sheepish green on his face, "Evans, I completely forgot." At that point, Lily decided that three strikes were more than enough.

"Potter, can I speak to you in the hall?" she growled, losing her composure.

Once they stepped into the secluded corridor outside of the Great Hall, Lily breathed heavily and reminded herself to keep her cool. "Do you realize that you're Head Boy now? Head Boy, as in, you hold the most responsibility of any student in this school. That means that the Prefects and I are depending on you to prioritize our weekly meetings. That means no walking in late, and that means making time to plan round schedules. I don't know what universe you're living in, but you need to get your act together," she chided him condescendingly and crossed her arms.

"Calm down, Evans," he sighed, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. "I know that I haven't started off perfectly-"

"You can say that again," Lily snorted.

"But," he emphasized the word, "I'm sure that if you give me one more chance, I'll perform far beyond your wildest dreams."

"You're not even taking me seriously right now! Did you listen to anything I said?" she protested, her vibrant emerald eyes glowering.

"Fine," he breathed evenly, "I'll have it to you by the end of the evening. Is that what you want to hear, Evans?"

"Yes," she nodded. "I don't want to have this conversation again, okay?"

"Whatever," he whispered under his breath, sidestepping her to return to his lunch.

If Lily had been looking clearly, she might have noticed the purple bags under his eyes or his unusually disheveled hair. But Lily Evans had never really noticed James Potter, nor had she ever cared to. All she knew of him was the immature boy who had set a record for the number of detentions served, attracted girls by messing with his hair, and jinxed Slytherins in the corridors when he was bored. Of course, besides those offenses, Lily would never forget his notorious "Evans, go out with me?" hobby their fifth year.

All of the transgressions, on top of failing miserably at his Head Boy responsibilities, put James in a bad spot. Proud of the fact that she hadn't lost her temper, Lily followed James back into the Great Hall. He returned to where he'd been sitting with Sirius, Remus, and Peter, the former of which who shot her a nasty look and then returned to his meal.

"What'd she want?" Sirius mumbled as he slurped his spaghetti.

"Nothing," James looked away, taking a swig of his pumpkin juice

"Nothing good," Sirius finished his sentence, eyeing the redhead who sat by herself near the end of the table, an open book taking the place of the empty seat next to hers.

"She does look angry," Remus commented, tucking his too-long sandy brown hair behind his ears.

"It doesn't matter," James responded, a tone of finality in his voice, his hazel eyes firm.

"She's pissed at Prongs," Sirius ignored James, looking directly at Peter.

"She gets stressed easily," Remus answered defensively.

"She's probably angry with you for getting invited to the Slugclub's meeting first," Sirius hypothesized.

"She probably thinks she's doing all of the work," Peter added.

"She's probably not being very fair about sharing the workload, so I'm sure she's overwhelmed," Remus suggested.

"Well, it's no wonder that she's overwhelmed. I only ever see her talking to first years," Sirius observed tauntingly.

"Don't be petty, Sirius," James rolled his eyes, scoffing at his friend.

"You aren't still in love with her, are you?" he raised a brow patronizingly.

"I was never in love with her, Sirius," James clarified. "I was fifteen and stupid. Do we really need to have this conversation? I haven't thought about this in over a year."

"Not really, I just think she's being really hard on you, considering the circumstance…" he trailed off.

"She doesn't know, and she doesn't need to," James replied coldly, shoving a forkful of noodles into his mouth.

"You know, considering that Padfoot noticed she doesn't seem to have too many friends, maybe we could invite her to sit with us?" Remus proposed quietly, trying to fill the awkward silence.

"No," Sirius spat out the swallow of pumpkin juice he'd just put in his mouth, spraying Peter with the liquid. "Evans doesn't know the definition of the word kidding," he declared firmly.

"Yeah, Evans kind of scares me," Peter agreed.

"She scares you?" Sirius repeated in disbelief. "Maybe you should have been the one to ask her out. You probably wouldn't argue with her," he muttered under his breath.

"Why are you scared of Lily Evans?" Even Remus was dumbfounded. "You've gone to school with her for almost seven years."

"Guys, can we please talk about something more pleasant? I'm supposed to be relaxed on Saturdays," James pleaded, rubbing his temple. He could feel a major migraine already beginning to form, brought on by his fight with Lily, lack of sleep the night before, and disappointment in himself for failing so quickly at being Head Boy.

While the four Marauders moved on to lighter conversation, as weeks went on, the relationship between the Head Boy and Girl couldn't seem to improve. While James made it to all of his rounds and meetings on time for about a week, things went south soon after. First, James missed a meeting with Professor Dumbledore. The only positive that came from his absence, according to Lily, was that the headmaster could finally see how poorly a job the Head Boy was actually doing. Of course, when Lily expressed her frustration, Professor Dumbledore seemed more concerned about James' absence than upset about it.

Lily addressed this with James, and once again, he promised to be more on top of things.  
What Lily didn't know was that James had shown up minutes after she left, albeit very late. So technically, he hadn't _missed_the meeting; he was just fashionably late, which Dumbledore understood. He clambered into the headmaster's office, very out of breath and very distraught.

"Professor, I am _so_sorry," he apologized, adjusting his glasses. "I know I'm late, but I was talking with some second years and I lost complete track of time."

"You're thirty minutes late, James," The headmaster clasped his hands together on the desk, watching the Head Boy carefully.

"I know, and I am really sorry. I'm sure Evans has told you about the miserable job I'm doing. I can't step down if that's what you think is best," he rambled, his hazel eyes wild and remorseful.

"James, please have a seat," Dumbledore gestured. James took a deep breath and once he had settled into the seat across from the headmaster, Dumbledore continued, "Ms. Evans did mention that she's been having some problems with your performance. I find it rather strange that she, of all people, wouldn't be more compassionate about your circumstances, which leads me to the conclusion that she has no idea how much you're juggling."

"It's been a lot these first couple of weeks with Quidditch and classes, but I promise that I've been trying," James defended himself, resting his hands on the headmaster's desk as he leaned forward.

"I don't doubt that, Mr. Potter. What I wonder, though, is if I've given you too much to deal with?"

"Absolutely not," James protested firmly. "It's just been an adjustment, that's all."

"I believe you," Dumbledore agreed, his blue eyes sympathetic. "I would suggest that you remind Ms. Evans of all of your responsibilities."

James nodded, though he knew that he would never do such a thing.

"Is there anything you'd like to talk you?" Dumbledore asked kindly, not wanting to press James to talk about his mother.

"Just that I promise I'll have this Head Boy thing down, Sir," James relaxed, finally comfortable now that he was sure he wasn't about to be demoted.

"James, you were late because you were helping out a group of second years. I've never doubted my choice, I just hope that I haven't given you too much to deal with." The Head Boy denied his Professor's fears and slipped out of the office. He could have found Lily to explain what had happened. He didn't. He could have found any of his friends who were currently hiding in their dormitory, planning a Halloween prank. He didn't.

Instead, he returned to the library, and continued to assist the group of second years he'd been working with on their Transfiguration coursework.

Two days later, he screwed up again.

The Head Boy missed his 11pm round with Lily. That didn't settle well with her. The following morning, she cornered him at breakfast, steam already shooting from her ears. They barely made it to the corridor outside of the Great Hall before she lost her temper.

"Potter, I realize that you're going through a lot but your position as Head Boy is important. You can't slack it off for Quidditch practice or whatever you think is going to be more fun. When you skip meetings and slack off on rounds, you're disrespecting me and putting me in a bad position. Last night you missed rounds, and I had to do them by myself," Lily fumed, her face almost as red as her hair. "I can't keep covering for you," she added, crossing her arms.

James ran a hand through his hair, nodding. "It won't happen again."

"What are you, a broken record? This is the third time I've had to speak you about pulling your weight! How many times are you going to promise me that without actually doing your job?"

"Evans, it's been a rough couple of weeks. I'm trying to juggle a lot," he rationalized guiltily.

"Really? So am I, and I'm still getting both of our jobs done."

"Listen, I think you're overreacting a touch. I know that we've never been on the best of terms, but I think you could give me a little more respect," he spoke evenly.

"Give a reason why I should. I'm sorry that this position means something to me and that I have to ride your ass because of it. I'm sorry that everything can't be perfect and easy for you."

"Perfect and easy?" James blinked. While his voice remained cool and even, he couldn't hide the disgust in his eyes. "Is that what you see when you look at me?"

"All I know is that you prance around acting like you own this place, so yes, I would say that's a fair assumption."

"Well I'm glad you know me so well, Lily Evans. If I were you, next time I would look in the mirror before I opened my mouth."

Lily's jaw dropped, and she blinked, unsure of how to react. She stood, frozen for several moments and then, having to have the last word, she grumbled, "Just get your job done, Potter." Then, for the first time, she stalked off before James. Her angry stomps echoed across the chamber, and after she had rounded the stairs, presumably headed to class, James sighed loudly. He looked around, appearing lost, before he tiredly slumped into the Great Hall.

Remus Lupin, who had rounded the corner just as Lily had spoken, stepped out from behind a coat of arms. He carefully regarded his friend, observing that James' especially rumpled hair and wrinkled robes signaled that he had fallen asleep in his robes, again.

"Prongs," Remus called, stopping James before he was too far ahead.

James turned, yawning back at him. His eyes, though lively, were lined with deep bags, and his entire being seemed to shout with exhaustion.

"Why didn't you tell her that it was a mistake? I saw that you'd fallen asleep at a table in the library, and I figured you needed the sleep," Remus wondered exasperatedly.

"It's my responsibility, Remus. I shouldn't have fallen asleep. Don't worry about it," James yawned again, trying to keep his voice jovial.

"I'm worried about you. I feel like this is my fault. I don't want you going out with us next month," Remus whispered, though harshly. He self-consciously looked over his shoulder, making certain that no one around was listening.

"Moony, its fine. I'm just trying to get adjusted to a schedule. The first Quidditch game is against Slytherin, so I'm putting in a little extra effort to make sure that the team is prepared," James blinked, rubbing at his eyes. "Anyway, I'm going to eat. I can take care of myself," he added, though gently. James patted his friends shoulder in gratitude and then turned, walking lazily to an open seat at the Gryffindor table.

Remus rolled his eyes, not entirely satisfied by James' view of the situation. Had it been for any reason, he probably would have let it go, but knowing that part of James' exhaustion was because of their midnight excursion that week put him on edge. James Potter was the most loyal person he'd ever met, which in this case was a problem, as he was neglecting himself. Knowing that the problem wasn't fixed, Remus bit his tongue and let James think he had the situation under control. Just as he had presumed, the situation wasn't under control, as barely a week later, he overheard another argument between the two.

"Potter, I'm sick of this. I'm trying to do everything. You can't just try and change the schedule that I spent hours creating to fit in an extra Quidditch practice."

"I wasn't trying to undermine you! All I'm asking is that we have the meeting on Tuesday, not Friday of this week."

"Potter, that's not the point. The point is, I asked you which of the days worked better, and you told me to pick the day that worked best for my schedule. We've been back in school for nearly three weeks. I've tried to be patient, I really have, but how do you not have this figured out yet?"

"Whatever. Don't worry about it Evans. I wouldn't want to screw up your perfect little schedule," James rolled his eyes, shoving his bag over his shoulder and storming up the stairs to the boys dormitory.

"Wait, Potter. I wasn't saying no -" Lily shouted back, standing up after him. It was no use; he ignored her and continued to take the stairs two at a time, disappearing up into his room. Lily sighed loudly, closing her eyes in frustration. "All right, Remus, what did I do wrong this time?" she breathed, slamming her Charms book closed.

"Huh? What? I was just over here – "

"Remus, I could see you watching us the entire time. He's your friend, so get over here and help me," Lily demanded, her harsh tone scaring off a group of first years who'd been sitting at the table between them.

Remus chuckled lightly, gathering up his belongings by the fireplace and moving them over to the corner table where Lily was sitting. "Lily, for starters, if you could have changed the meeting, why didn't you?"

"I thought you weren't listening," Lily snorted and continued, "It's about the _principle."_

"Fuck the principle, Lily."

"Remus, I've already finalized the Hogsmeade trips for the entire year, set the next month's schedule for rounds, and organized our monthly meeting with Dumbledore…"

"And he has set Quidditch practices for the next month, adjusted himself to being in charge of rounds when he's never done them before, and loads more I'm sure. It's not like he's sitting in the library wallowing all day or organizing prank wars with Sirius in our room," Remus shook his head. "Give him a break," he repeated. "Did you know that he writes his mum a letter every single day?"

"Okay, so he's sentimental," she noted, a bewildered look on her face.

"Don't you know that his mum is really sick?"

"No," she breathed quietly, her eyes growing wide with surprise. "What does she have?"

"No one's really sure. She's been in and out of St. Mungo's all summer, and now she's back at home, which scares James even more. Sirius thinks that she's got a couple of months left, maybe a year," Remus looked away, playing with the hem of his robes.

"How come he didn't tell me? Doesn't he know about my mum?"

"Lily, I only know because you told me. I really doubt that he knew your mum was sick."

"I've been absolutely wretched, haven't I?"

"I think you probably overreacted a bit," Remus shrugged.

"So what do I do now?" she sighed, falling back into the armchair next to Remus'.

"Tell him that you know what he's going through."

Lily bit her lip and thought carefully. After sitting in silence for at least five minutes, she commented in a small voice, "I still don't know why he didn't tell me."

"You didn't tell anyone yourself," Remus retorted, much to her displeasure. "You two make me laugh. Don't you have to talk when you do rounds?"

"Nope."

"How is that possible?"

"I'm trying to avoid doing rounds with him," she murmured, looking down.

"He's not the same person he was two years ago, Lily."

"It's not that," she answered quickly, her eyes scared, full of some emotion. "Or not completely. You know what I went through fifth year. I can't do that again. I'm worried that it's going to bring all of that back," she swallowed, her voice small and scared.

"Do you ever talk to him?" Remus snorted in disbelief. "He's probably the most positive person I've ever met. He's a hopeless dreamer; I've told you that. It's the reason he kept nagging you fifth year – part of him always hoped that you would say yes. James isn't going to let you know he's hurting."

Lily bit her bit and responded tersely, "I'm still angry with him. He needs to tell me if he can't keep up. He needs to ask for help. It's so frustrating."

"I don't understand how you lot see each other every day, but never actually talk."

"I never had any reason to get to know him," Lily murmured suggestively, though what she was referencing, Remus wasn't quite sure of.

Lily gave James the weekend to stew out how much he hated her before she set out to apologize. During that time, she updated the round schedule for the next month so that they would do rounds together once a week.

On Monday, James avoided the Head Girl like the plague. He purposefully skipped breakfast and strolled into class seconds before the bell rang. He avoided any opportunity for eye contact with Lily and evaded her approaches at all costs. That evening, when the two had been scheduled to do rounds together, Adelaide McSpade, a Hufflepuff 6th year, covered for him instead.

Tuesday wasn't much different, and similar to how he had been arriving to class, James showed up to the Prefect meeting a minute before it started and slipped out of the room first. Lily was too afraid to ask how he had been able to make it when days before he had begged her to reschedule it for Quidditch.

If James had his way, he probably would have never actually spoken to Lily again. What he hadn't counted on was her willingness to cheat, and his friends' willingness to sell him out. By Wednesday, Lily grew impatient and resorted to begging James' friends for his location. After unsuccessfully pleading with Sirius, Remus revealed that James had taken refuge from her in the library. Ignoring the batty librarian's insistence on quiet, she came up behind James and tapped him on the shoulder. "We need to talk," she whispered.

"I'm studying," he grunted, ignoring her.

"You can take a minute," she declared, reaching around him to slam his textbook shut.

"I was reading that!" he seethed loudly, earning him a loud hush from the librarian.

"Five minutes, Potter," she held the book hostage and strolled out of the library, assuming that he was behind her. She wasn't giving his book back until they talked.

"Do you ever not get your way?" he mumbled in irritation, having no choice but to follow her. Lily chose to ignore the comment. "Evans, I know what you're here for. Don't worry about it, okay?" he sighed tiredly when they had reached the corridor.

"No, I owe you an apology, and I want you to listen to me. I know that you have been avoiding me, and what I'm about to say is extremely important," she insisted, clutching his book to her chest as she crossed her arms.

"Apology accepted. Can I just have my book back?" He asked wearily.

"No. Stop interrupting," she raised her palm. Lily breathed, closing her eyes as she struggled for her next choice of words. She began again after a minute or so. "I know I've been a bit hard of you. I thought you knew why, but Remus corrected me, so I guess I owe you an apology. You know what they happens when you assume," she joked lightly. "I don't think you know this, but my mum was pretty sick our fourth year. She passed away the next summer. It's been about two years now," Lily's voice wavered but didn't break. With her arms crossed and her voice small, Lily looked especially tiny, and it was clear that she was barely holding herself together. "I just wanted you to know that I understand what you're going through."

"Lily, I'm really sorry," James faltered, also struggling to find the right choice of words.

"She had lung cancer. She grew up in the 40's and 50's, back when everyone smoked. Dad always told her not too, that it was terrible for her, but she didn't listen. My mum never listened to anyone. I'm just like her. That's why I can be a pain sometimes," she smiled sadly.

James nodded, again, unable to find the words to say.

"James, fifth year was absolutely rotten for me. I was already stigmatized for being a muggle-born; I didn't want people to know that I was the muggle-born with the dead mum. I didn't want anyone's pity because I wanted to prove that I was just as capable. Just don't be that person, okay Potter? Don't be stupid," she finally looked up to him, her eyes pained but clear.

"Why did you think people were going to hold it again you?" He entreated strongly.

"I'm not saying it was right, but I was fifteen. I wanted to prove that I deserved to be here just as much as anyone else. It was when the attacks had just started, back when Muggles were being targeted," Lily began to lose her composure and looked especially lost. "I think that the person I was trying to convince was myself."

"You know that's rubbish, don't you? That most people don't actually believe that crap about blood superiority?"

"Yes, I know that now. But that's what growing up is about, isn't it? Realizing that you were once a mindless idiot," she chuckled humorlessly, " but I don't care about fitting in anymore. I just had a lot on my plate that year, and it was one thing I didn't want to worry about." Though James didn't know it, Lily was reflecting on her friendship with Severus Snape. Up through Lily's fifth year, she had been very close with Severus, up until he had referred to her derogatorily as a Mudblood in front of all of her peers. She had considered him one of her best friends, and because she had lost her mother and one of her best friends that year, it had been especially difficult for her. "It's not like you made that year any easier for me," she added, giving him a pointed look.

"Speaking of growing up, I bet now would be a good time to apologize for that, wouldn't it?" He grinned sheepishly. "Let's just say that I was fifteen, so young and stupid, and there was this blindingly beautiful little spitfire-" he began, sweeping his arms dramatically as he spoke.

"Shut up," Lily rolled her eyes. "You might want to work on that apology. You were doing okay up until the end there."

He snorted, muttering, "Thanks, Evans," under his breath.

"Oh, here's your book," she passed it back to him.

"I'm shocked that you, of all people, would be the one to disrupt my studies," he teased, tossing the book between his hands.

"I know that you're brilliant, Potter. One small interruption isn't going to derail you much."

"That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me," he raised a brow, clutching one hand to his heart in shock.

"Yeah, well, I'm trying to turn a new leaf. Trying to be forgive my enemies and such," she laughed, walking off now that they were done.

"Enemies?" he shouted back, pretending to be offended. "And I always thought we were best friends…"

Lily giggled as she turned the corner and made her way back to the Gryffindor common room. She sighed in relief, physically able to feel the weight being lifted off of her chest.


End file.
